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Scene Negotiation is extremely important. This is when the people in the scene discuss what they would like to try, what their limits are and what safe words or safe actions will be used. The more you talk about a scene, the more comfortable each should become. Take a Scene Negotiation Checklist with you, if you like. You can find many on the web.


  • Good Dominants and submissives usually display a set of characteristics that makes them good. These can include, but are not limited to being Honest, Empathetic, Respectful, Observant, Intelligent, Communicative, Caring, Creative, Loyal, Understanding, Mentally Sound, Safety Conscious and Trustworthy. Most of all they need to have the ability to Control or to be Controlled using these. 

  • Safe Meetings are very important, especially for new people. Two important rules for meeting someone for the first time are: 1. Meet somewhere public and neutral. 2. Don't play on the first date. If you have met for the first time at a social, take steps to ensure the first scene is 'light' in order that you get to know one another. If you're really looking for heavy play, and it's a first meeting, make sure you negotiate, negotiate, and negotiate.

  • Safe Calls can be a good idea to ensure a safe meeting, especially if you are meeting for the first time. A safe call means that you arrange for someone to call, or for you to call someone, at an arranged time during the scene, to make sure you're all right. Key, pre-agreed phrases are used; one means you're all right, the other means you're in trouble. Safe calls are good for both Dominants and submissives!!

  • A Silent Alarm is the actual person who receives your safe call. If at all possible, choose a kink friendly person. Give them a sealed envelope containing a piece of paper with all of the contact information you have on the person you are meeting and all of the meeting place info you have. Pictures of yourself and the person you are meeting are a good idea as well. The silent alarm then knows that if you either don't call or you give them the "I'm in trouble" phrase, they can open the envelope and share the information with the police in order to get you out.

  • Safe Words are signals submissives use to communicate to their Dominant during a scene. They are usually words that you wouldn't normally hear in a scene, such as 'alligator' or 'sky lab'. The universal safe word system is traffic light colors; green means the play is ok, yellow means that a limit is being reached, red means all play stops. If gags are going to be used, the submissive is usually given an item to drop when a limit is being reached. Refusing to take the item back into the hand means all play stops. 

  • Aftercare is an important part of the scene. The scene isn't over when the flogger stops! During aftercare, the Dominant gives the submissive a chance to release emotions, relax and recover from a scene. This can last as little as 5-10 min or as long as an hour. Some submissives go deep into subspace during a scene and take quiet a while to recover. Hugging, petting, talking and laughing are all good activities for aftercare. You might even want to snuggle!